I sank into the rocker, and my fingers trembled as they touched my lips. The television news was reporting the murder of a little girl. A photo of her beautiful face flashed across the screen, and my heart pounded. I didn't know the victim, yet the newscaster's words echoed through my thoughts.

It seemed he was no longer talking about the girl, but about another helpless victim - the baby I aborted in 1987. In my heart he was speaking directly to me: "She was innocent. She didn't have a chance to fight for life. Her future was snatched from her."

Pain coursed through my chest as I was unwillingly taken back to my sophomore year in high school and my secret sins - the shame of getting pregnant, the denial that I held life within my womb and finally the abortionist's clinic.

Yesterday, I shared about facing teen pregnancy and having a baby at age, seventeen. But before that pregnancy there’d been another one—one in which I’d made a different choice.

Like many women who seek help for an unplanned pregnancy, I was told there was no baby - only a blob of tissue. I was told an abortion would be best. It would be over before I knew it. I was told my life would go on as normal once the procedure was done.

How wrong they were!

And, how wrong I was to succumb to the lies, believing I was having a simple procedure and would soon be free.

If an abortion promised freedom, why did pain shackle my heart? Why was I ashamed to tell anyone of my choice? Why was I silently suffering?

The pain and shame I experience that day in front of the television was not uncommon. It occurred many times in many ways. Ten years later I was married to a Christian man and had three beautiful children, but all the good in my life couldn't erase the mistakes of my past.

In my Bible Study group, when my friends spoke out against abortion, I put on a strong face, guarding the tears that desired to break free. I was sure they would hate me if they only knew - after all, I hated myself.

Some nights, images of my moments on the doctor's table flooded my head like evil voodoo dancers-spinning, growing, mocking me. I was a Christian, and I knew God had forgiven me. But could I ever forgive myself?

For me, healing started the first time I attended a post-abortion Bible Study titled Forgiven and Set Free. It was there that the U-Turn came to my personal healing.

In the study, as I looked around at the beautiful women, I was amazed that there were others like me. Even though I knew the statistic that one in four women have had an abortion, I felt as if I was the only Christian woman dealing with this. Breaking my silence made all the difference. When I sensed understanding - and even love - as I shared my story, the chains of fear that had held me prisoner for so long were finally broken.

Instead of living under a burden of guilt and pain, I realized I was forgiven. Jesus’ sacrifice was enough. Jesus had good plans for me—a hope and a future.

Today, I am thankful for the peace that has replaced the pain in my heart. I have come a long way from the woman who used to hide her heartache and tears from her closest friends. I now recognize the lies and have embraced the steps to healing. Because of Jesus, I no longer silently suffer.

If you've had an abortion and answer yes to any of the following questions, you may need help dealing with Post-Abortion Syndrome.

• When abortion is mentioned, do you find your body reacting physically?
• Do you avoid talking or reading about abortion?
• Do you struggle to turn off the feelings connected with your abortion?
• Are you depressed, sick or accident-prone at certain times of the year such as the anniversary date of the abortion or the time of the would-be due date?
• Have you experienced any nightmares, flashbacks, or hallucinations related to the abortion?
• Did your relationship with God or your concept of God change after your abortion?
• Do you have trouble accepting His forgiveness or forgiving yourself?
  

If you’ve answer “yes” to any of these . . . be sure to check out Linda Cochrane's book Forgiven and Set Free: A Post Abortion Bible Study.

Over the next five days I’ll be sharing more about my family, my writing, and other ministry opportunities God has allowed me to be a part of, but without a doubt all of these were only possible because of the inner healing I received through Christ.

In your life, do you feel the doors are shutting concerning your dreams and plans? Maybe it’s because God is asking you to do some inner work before you look outward. In my case, God needed to transform my heart before I could ever consider ministering to others.

But once I did the hard inner work . . . whoa. I discovered that God had His own dreams and plans that were greater than anything I could have ever hoped for or imagined!

Tricia Goyer